today i really wish i could come home

good indicator of me having had a bad day - sitting in the computer room in the dark with the weakerthans "utilities" on repeat.

last night before i fell asleep i was thinking about toast. real toast, really really toasted, near burnt. i decided that i would leave the toast in a really long time in the morning, and make myself a boiled egg to go with. (once again, at 2 am, i am desparately trying to fall asleep, and just as i drift off, that damn lady starts hacking up phelgm again. i hate you lady. one day i will find you, and when i do...)

so i wake up, a little late, but not too late, and bounce downstairs still thinking about toast. as i make a cup of tea, i realize that something is missing on the counter, but what it is doesnt register until i have the bread in hand. the toaster is gone. not moved, just clear gone. i still have no clue wtf happened to it. i plan to ask as soon as someone gets home. i thought about trying to make toast over the gas burner on the stove, but the idea of burning down the house trying to make toast was too much for me. i did make a boiled egg though, and that was nice.

the placement test was a nightmare. again. it started out well enough, well, all in hiragana (in retrospect, they must have thought it would be easier for us? wtf, it made it super annoying to read), and then two short essays, and then the last bit, which was all in kanji ive never even seen. i found it really frustrating. again. i wish they would at least use kanji theyve taught us. the second essay was about comparing your country and japan. i nearly wrote "the difference between canada and japan is, in canada they test you on the things youve learned!"

i will have to spaz out seriously if they try to put me in the stupid class again. i cant hack another semester of that. and then, to make matters even more frustrating, matsuoka comes up to me after the test, and tells me that the university never received my essays on the internship or school programs. Even though i emailed them in two months ago. Lovely. just lovely. I went back a few hours later to give the bastard paper copies, even though the sheet they gave me specifically said that by email was fine.

also, looking at my bank balance i realize i have spent a lot more than i meant to during spring break. i think i am just not very good with money. so i mentioned, during a conversation with okaasan, that i was thinking about getting a part time job, (considering that i will be stretched for cash during the next four months if i dont. what happened to all the christmas money and stuff i got? where did my money go?). And, of course, like fifty percent of everything i say here, this resulted in my host family babying me. To begin with, when Okaasan told Hiroe (i was brushing my teeth in the other room) Hiroe says in a low voice "I think her visa doesnt let her, mom" and im like, (in the biggest voice ever, heh) "i know, i have to get a special paper from the university first, but like all the asian kids in my program have jobs, and they gave us a big talk about it, its totally ok" Anyway, the next day, Otousan and Okaasan come home from taking Norie somewhere, and Otousan says, "so i hear you want to look for a job, hey? How about teaching Okaasan english?" I told her that i would teach her for free, if she wanted to learn, and i know that they are only trying to be nice and look after me, but seriously. After the last couple of days really sucking it up, I am just fed up with this kind of thing. Really guys, Im an adult, and believe it or not i can look after myself, complete with finding a job.

So that combined with a general bad mood has reduced me to the dark computer room with the weakerthans. it may just be bad day plus hormones, but boy am i ever sick of japan today. sick of being stared at, sick of being crammed onto trains with people who step on my feet, and slam my hands in doors and then dont apologize. sick of this university where monkeys would make better administrators, sick of (eventhough i love them to bits) my host family treating me like a child, sick of being able to hear everything through the walls here, and never getting any proper privacy, and never being able to really say exactly what i mean. sick of the food, sick of the damn sakura, sick of no tv in english and no proper cheese. im getting really tired of this whole lack of freedom thing, even though its only in some respects. i miss you guys, and my family and everything, but more than i want to see everyone, i want normalcy really really badly. i dont know if maybe you caught that.